A Reflective Morning

Tuesday Jun 24 2014

Well folks, it’s been another little while. No story this time though, my wanderings this morning covered topics like love, wandering, figuring out the puzzle of a Love. What is it exactly that makes people think about in terms of either a) Loving someone or b) Not loving someone?

To me, that concept seems overtly simplified. To me it seems like a far more intricately weaved puzzle than anything either A or B.

I am married, but married to a man who seems very distant emotionally but whom I cannot help but want to love, he’s a rogue, scoundrel and every bit the chivalrous gent, when he wants to be. But I’ll admit 😉 that’s not very often!

But there’s another side to him I can’t see, can’t feel, he keeps it very well buried, and no, I’m not talking affair here – it’s something he would never lower himself to doing without telling me, as I understand it from his personality anyway. After 10 years, you can’t help but feel you know these things, but I digress.

Nope, the puzzle I’m talking about is the parts sometimes we cannot face up to, truths we wish did not exist, or that we cover up. An emotional black hole that’s rent so many of us into so many tiny fragments that makes us hunt franticly for those little bits we’ve lost along the way.

Perhaps love is like that, two (or more) people hunting for their little fragments and  finding them, sometimes within each other.

The perfect relationship is perhaps not  at all like you see in the movies, perhaps it is far more nuanced than we typically give ourselves credit for.

 

Ever had that feeling that nothing ever goes to plan and you try and work out where you went wrong? Yup, I bet you have, most people seem to have had this problem at some point, if not, at a lot of points along the road. Well I just had one of those, just a few moments ago.

I wanted to elaborate on it, as its supposed to be good practice to write down stuff when you feel bad, helps clear the air and all that.

I’m sure for many people out there, picking up the phone to speak to someone isn’t all that hard to do, in fact you probably pick up the phone without a second thought, it is an entirely different case with me. I have a phobia about phone-calls, making them and receiving them. You see, I get tied up with worrying about providing instant answers and making sure I ask the perfect questions, so much so that I end up getting tied up worse when I actually do speak to someone. So usually I’ll avoid phone-calls like a plague, I’ll leave it to you to decide whether or not that’s a good thing.

So, on with the story, I have a small part time job that I don’t think I want to make a long-term thing – but, in order to move beyond it I need to strike out and find something. So to this end, I broke out the old email job-alerts from various recruitment sites again and found a position which does appeal to me. Its the sort of position my new Certificate In Counselling Skills (look me all prideful) could be put to use. The vacancy only had a phone number to call for details, no email address.

Uh oh…I’d have to call to find out more about the vacancy and normally, I would leave this sort of vacancy well alone, but the thought occurred to me that if ever I wanted to conquer my fear of phone-calls, I’d need to make the leap and call someone eventually.

So, I actually managed to pluck up the courage to call 🙂 for the first time ever on my own initiative.

Was it a successful phone-call? No, no it wasn’t. As usual, I got tied up when I was asked a question I completely didn’t anticipate and panicked, then blundered my way to the end of the call and probably made myself out to be a right idiot.

My first instinct after this disaster was to curl up and swear I’d never call anyone again, and you know, I might not.

It was On this thought that I actually wrote this blogpost, to get it out of my head and onto the page, it worked very well, I feel relieved and from it, I also take another thought, although it wasn’t a successful phone-call, it was also a fantastic achievement for me to have made it in the first place and if that isn’t turning a negative into a positive 😉 I may eat my hat, if I had one!

Am I alone in this fear, do you have a similar problem?  Leave your thoughts or comments below 🙂

NaNo NaNo

Thursday Oct 20 2011

A short while ago, I reported on my Twitter feed that I had been bludgeoned into joining the National Novel Writing Month or NaNoWriMo for short, it is a 50,000 novel challenge in November where the idea is to "Write First, Ask Questions Later" in order to get the creative juices flowing at full-pelt so to speak. Initially I was sceptical that such a challenge would be doable for me and, in fact, I’d only signed up on the website to find out more – but as it turned out, the act of signing up actually made me a participant.

I was orginally planning to just ignore the fact that I’m a participant this time around and just look around anyway, but the idea itself actually seeded in my mind. There was that story I was thinking of writing for the #FlashFriday event, and I really started to think about actually trying NaNo out. Oddly enough the thought is like a virus, floating around, multiplying at an exponential rate before it evolved for me into a full-blown obsession!

So the idea started bobbing about with the NaNo virus and itself mutated into something tangible. It even got to the stage that my fingers were itching to put the first words to paper(they still do 🙂 ) but I’m holding out for the onset of the NaNo virus 😉 thankfully, it is just a week away and I’ve managed to find some wings for my idea and even got down an outline, a plan and possibly a plot, that is, in my head. But I need to actually sit the fudge down and start bringing it to life.

Which leads me down the garden-path to the concept of NaNo write-ins, a regional breakdown of NaNo participants that would usually meet during November for their regular write-ins. Another viral idea!

So I’ve now joined the regional writing group for Edinburgh, in Scotland for those that don’t know and I’m looking forward to meeting the others from the region to see and hear what their thoughts are.

Facebookery

Sunday Apr 04 2010

The other day I joined up to Facebook. Yes yes, save your guffaws and retributions….

I did it because one of my collegues found my long-forgotten profile and decided to add me, so when I browsed onto the page hoping to decide about closing the account completely. But when I looked at this colleague’s page, it seemed that a few of my outside-of-work contacts were also using it, so I figured I’d give it a try and started to beef out the profile a bit.

On the surface – it looks like the usual bland social networks you have around the web these days, but the thing that gob smacked me was the sheer scale of it, how many people I knew were actually using it.

Doing some browsing around some friends from work’s profiles I see links and sub-links to people that I had though long since vanished from my life, usually old colleagues from years back but the sheer number of them is staggering. I guess after five years working at a place kinda gets you hooked up into its long shelf-life. An after image if you like, I’m still convinced that the magnitude of the absence of my work-home for so many years is still to sink in. It’s been four days now since I left the office for the last time and I’m beginning to realise its meaning for me.

Why so many days before reflecting on it?
Well, I’ve been busy, I had an interview on the very next day for a new job, a result of my blind applications of the night before. Tonight, though, I’ve been browsing around Facebook again and its giving twitter a new run for its money. Where twitter is generally anonymous, Facebook seems to have more of a life its own, nameless profile pages give way to an insight into real peoples lives and goings on and it leads to cool recollection and reflection, about the people I’ve came to know and have known through work, it feels kind of sad in a way, but I’m sure I’ll find a place for it in the dusty bookshelf of my life to date.

So a Facebook convert?
I don’t really know how to answer that question right now 🙂 I’ll give it some time to see what happens. Let me know your comments on Facebook or Twitter and why you use one or the other – I’d be interested to know what you think.

Birthday week!

Tuesday Jul 07 2009

Its been almost a week since my last post, so its time to beat down and put another blog post up 🙂 what will it be about today?

Well, since its mine and my husband’s birthday this week I thought that should be worth a mention!

My husband’s birthday is in fact today(7th July) and mine will be on Friday, so to that end we had a long weekend from work to celebrate….. of course, things never quite go to plan do they? LOL after a lovely meal on Sunday afternoon, he fell on the stairs and hurt his leg. He twisted his knee quite badly and he couldn’t really walk without a great deal of help, so that kinda ruined our party a bit early.

Hehe, and would you believe for him, his leg became sufferable just in time for him to start work again! *sigh* Sod’s law seems to favour us recently…

Still, not all bad – we have an opportunity to visit with one of his friends up in Crail (North East Scotland) next weekend, so pending all of our pennies working out, we might end up out there next Saturday and Sunday.

A Thought on people watching…

Wednesday Jul 01 2009

This may seem a little weird to some people, or maybe its something everyone does 🙂 When sitting in that global phenomenon called traffic (you know, it happens because everyone goes home at the same time) and am not otherwise engaged, I tend to look around and observe people you know, the ones pottering off to the station or shops or simply walking home.

It tells you a lot, just to take a step back and look around you, you see many different kinds of people all with the same inperfections that you worry about, you know that mismatched top your wearing, or that scraggly stray hair that wont stop getting into your eyes. Then you can look at yourself and smile at being so fussy before.

It reminds me of those infamous lines from Filo+Peri’s “Anthem” feat. Eric Lumiere (Spotify: “Anthem” feat. Eric Lumiere.) “Sometimes its easier, to turn aroud and look in the mirror.” the song is a dancey track, but those words always had a deep meaning for me.

On that point, let me talk about Spotify for a minute – when a friend first introduced this to me, I thought there had to be a catch with it, there is a tiny one but really its hardly a catch at all – there are adverts in it, but very few and hardly enough to bother your experience too much. Basically the skinny is that Spotify lets you listen to any song or artist you like to at any time. It has full tracks for loads of songs, and well known and rare songs at that. You can listen to them absolutely free. If you don’t have it, download it and give it a go with the link above – I promise you, you wont regret it.

I know that sounds a lot like an advert of my own, and it is, but I choose to share it because I think its worth it for anyone to try.